My non-Christian life was independent of God, without hope, and utterly lost. However, personally and professionally I was blind to this reality. My focus and desire centered on becoming a rich and famous baseball player. My pursuit of this celebrated identity permeated the fabric of my life, so much so that it was leading to my self-destruction. One proverb says, “He who pursues evil, pursues it to his own death” (Proverbs 11:19). Money and fame are not bad things; God is sovereign after all, but my pursuing them as an “identity” missed the mark entirely and it was ruining my life.
My non-Christian identity was “in me,” and I sought to glorify myself and receive glory — at least that is what I thought and how I lived. Eventually, I would discern that forging this depraved identity was self-destructive, right? Solomon asserts that a true mark of wisdom is the reflection on the consequences of one’s choices: “The prudent sees danger and hides himself [avoids the danger], but the simple go on and suffer for it” (Proverbs 22:3; cf. 14:15, 18; 27:12). As a depraved non-Christian, I was the “simple” portrayed here; I was steadfast in my stupidity, as the proverb literally states.
Why didn’t I just retreat from my depraved identity? The Apostle Paul uncovers the foundation of my depravity: spiritual death.
And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. (Ephesians 2:1-3).
So you see, my depraved identity was fashioned by being spiritually dead. The great Puritan Richard Baxter expounds on this impoverished nature.
Consider what a lamentable condition you are in till the hour of your conversion, that you may see it is not a state to be rested in. You are under the guilt of all the sins that ever you committed, and under the wrath of God, and the curse of his law; you are bond-slaves to the devil, and daily employed in his work against the Lord, yourselves, and others. You are spiritually dead and deformed, as being void of the holy life, and nature and image of the Lord. You are unfit for any holy work, and do nothing that is truly pleasing unto God. You are without any promise or assurance of his protection; and live in continual danger of his justice, not knowing what hour you may be snatched away to hell, and most certain to be damned if you die in that condition.
The very foundation of my non-Christian identity, my nature, was perverted. Instead of being the rich and famous baseball player that I aspired to be, my identity was notorious for sin because my depraved, spiritually dead condition could only sin. I couldn’t change my depraved nature because it was my constitution — it was what I was inclined to do. Therefore, my pursuit of celebrity had as its essence the domineering force of all my decisions, passions, and hopes until the night we won the World Series; a night that I found myself ready to jump off the George Washington Bridge in Manhattan, New York (click here for my story).
Fast forward a few years. I’m now saved from sin and misery — halleluiah! I find myself in seminary, but I still had a problem with “identity.” I had never thought of it as a Christian. I certainly didn’t think of it as a non-Christian. I remember sitting in that New Testament survey course and the professor began talking about this very subject. My eyes gripped on him as if this was a matter of life and death. He proceeded to ask us the very question I’m asking you now: where’s your identity? It didn’t take long for me to realize my identity was still latched to celebrity and money but now it was from a Christian perspective. Meaning, I wanted to be a pastor of a big church, make more money than the norm so I could live the life I desired, and hopefully get some kind of academic degree as the cherry on the top. My next thought was, “but I’m a Christian!” I was implying that all my troubles as a non-Christian had disappeared as a Christian or, at least, they should’ve. Boy, did I miss that one! More reflection on this subject came as the months passed. The idea of “identity” stuck with me like a bad habit.
For one thing, I knew it had changed because of the person, life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. The Spirit drew me to confess my sins and believe Christ was my Savior and Lord — this had indeed changed my identity before the Almighty God. He no longer saw me in my depraved, lost, and hopeless state. I was now in the Book of Life, right next to yours if you’re a Christian.
On the other hand, I learned that my former life had not been totally taken away. There was still that old man in me (Rom 7) — “my stuff.” This was discouraging! I had become a Christian, why was my stuff still creeping around. Didn’t I have the Spirit of God in me?
My confusion about how the old life still creeps around in the new life was something that many people struggle with. Maybe you do to? We’re told that coming to faith will solve our spiritual problems, it will redeem us, it will bring us into the likeness of Jesus, it will save us from sin and misery. These things are all true! But what’s commonly left out — is that the sins of our former life may or may not be swept under the eternal rug. In other words, God may take some of those nagging sins away and some He may not.
Amazingly, God took the pain of being sexually abused away from me. But He didn’t take my desire to be celebrated away. The “why” will have to be left for another time. For now, ponder this. The Bible claims that our identity should be “in Christ” who summons Christians to glorify God and enjoy Him forever (1 Corinthians 10:31; Romans 11:36; Psalms 73:25-28).
What would you like to identify with more than Christ? Kind of a gut-check time. Most Christians don’t want to admit that there’s something — but I think if we’re transparent about this, we will all have some kind of idol. Many of us can seek our primary identity in degrees, income, celebrity (even at low levels), prestige, our kids, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. It’s how we want to see ourselves and how we want others to see us. However, if we’re going to flourish like God wants us to (glorifying and enjoying Him forever), we must find our identity in Christ (cf. John 15).
I would encourage to chew on this question for some time. Once you’ve spent a few days thinking about what that list looks like, spend some time in prayer and really determine if what you’re think is an accurate reflection of your desires. I think what you’re going to find is that this first step takes quite a bit of time — but it’s worth it. Analyzing and determining what you want as an identity will automatically focus your attention of it. A wrestling match will ensue between that thing and your identity in Christ. This is normal. Usually the Christian life entails quite a bit of wrestling when we adjust our thinking. I think you’ll find that your lifestyle will begin to readjust, as well. You’ll find that your identity in Christ far exceeds your identity in that other thing. The process of readjusting your life in Christ will eventually be blessed. This process and the process to come is glorifying to God and will bring you joy with your Father through the Son and in the Spirit forever. Seek your identity in Christ because glorifying God and enjoying Him forever depends on it.
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